Dear Friend,
It was good to talk to you Sunday. Thank you for your transparency and how you expressed desire to rid your life of sexual immorality, especially in the form of pornography. I wanted to write you to hopefully raise the level of urgency in how you approach this. 2 Corinthians 7:10 distinguishes between godly grief and worldly grief. My concern is that you have only experienced worldly grief over pornography, not godly grief. I believe this because you continue to dabble with the forbidden, even after discussing this with me several times in the last few months. This sin will kill you (Proverbs 5:1-5). You are throwing away your life by giving “your honour to others and your years to the merciless” (Proverbs 5:9). If you had already experienced godly grief, you would have done whatever it takes to put the pornography behind you in repentance.
During our chat, I sensed that you may be having trouble distinguishing between struggling with lust and participating in sexual immorality. Lust is sin, but it is different than participating in sexual immorality. Sexual immorality always stems from lust, but lust does not always lead to sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is the actual acting out on sexually lustful desires. The sexually immoral will not inherit the Kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9), and they will be thrown into the lake that burns with fire and sulphur (Revelation 21:8). The consumption of pornography is sexual immorality, and those who consume it are sexually immoral. It is the possession of the forbidden intimate knowledge of another, and it is the sexual objectification and exploitation of a divine image bearer. When you observe pornography, you engage in a predatory sexual act upon a person who bears the image of God. It is outrageous behaviour. It is not a joke.
My fear is that too many men treat accountability like a Roman Catholic confessional. They tell their small group they stumbled, feel a sense of absolution, and then repeat the cycle week after week and/or month after month. The idea is that you can consider yourself a good and godly Christian as long as you keep confessing the sin of viewing pornography. After all, confession displays honesty and humility, right? Think again. Obedience is the ultimate display of honesty, humility, and faith. Scripture calls us to repent. That means change your ways, now. Those who do not repent have nothing for which to look forward, except a fiery judgment. Read Hebrews 6:4-8. Jude verse 7 presents Sodom and Gomorrah as an example of what will happen to those who claim God’s grace as an excuse to continue in unrepentant sexual immorality – that is they will burn forever. There are people in our church who think they are Christians, but who may hear, “I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness’” (Matthew 7:23) on the Day of the Lord.
An added motivation for you, I think, is your relationship with your wife (or for some your future wife). It is unacceptable to present yourself as a pure partner in that relationship, while finding sexual gratification and experiencing intimacy with nameless women on a computer screen. You are only cheating her by engaging in sexual acts with others. These are real people you are looking at and engaging with sexually, even if they remain unknown by name to you and you to them. Viewing another’s nakedness for sexual purposes is an intimate act, always. I doubt you would be willing to pursue a relationship with a Christian woman if you found out she was exposing herself online to anonymous men and simply confessing her “stumbling” week after week to her small group. I wonder if you would even consider her to be a Christian.
The problem is that too many have become too comfortable with pornography and have simply dismissed it as something that all people struggle with. That may be an error with eternal ramifications.
So my friend, I am writing because I love you and am pleading for you to do whatever it takes to repent, and then “bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8).
Jesus will forgive your sins. He will cover all your transgressions. He died for sexually immoral people. And He wants you to live in holiness. I want you to live in holiness. The Church will be stronger if you live in holiness. Jesus will receive glory as you pursue holiness.
How do you repent? Start first of all by praying God grants you repentance. Beg Him to give you repentance. Get on your face and plead for repentance so that you will not be like Esau who “when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears” (Hebrews 12:17). I think you will find a good resource in Finally Free by Heath Lambert. Start by reading that book and doing everything it says. Once you are done reading it, we can talk. I want to sit down and talk this through more with you. I want to help. But I want to see more from you than confession and a desire for weekly and monthly absolution. Jesus commands you, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matthew 4:17).
I really hope you sense my heart in this. I am for you, and I am communicating the urgency of the situation. It is treated too lightly. Many assume that because many men struggle with this it is not that bad. I suspect the grumbling cow worshipers had similar thoughts as they rebelled in the desert. That is wrong. “For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few” (Mathew 7:13-14).
I love you my friend.
Pastor Jacob
